Fries, Felines, and Friendly Fire
The rapid collapse of Burger Shot & UwU Café’s “Friendship”
By Valentina Van Voughn
My day began like any other.
Clocked in.
Maid uniform pressed.
Cat ears adjusted just so.
There’s something poetic about wearing lace and bells while a corporate war quietly brews.
The café was calm.
Until the call.
The Woman Who Didn’t Exist
She introduced herself as Lucy Ravenhart.
I know this city. I make it my business to know this city.
I had never heard of her.
But I smiled into the receiver and played along.
Her request?
A delivery.
To Burger Shot.
Of all places.
UwU Café’s first official delivery… sent to our supposed rival.
Suspicious? Absolutely.
But curiosity is stronger than fear.
I sent my coworker to do the job. My boss decided to accompany him. First delivery, it had to be done right.
What happened next shifted everything.
Crossfire
According to my boss, when they arrived at Burger Shot, only one employee was present.
An exchange happened.
Words were said. Tone changed. A gun was drawn.
And in seconds, my coworker and boss were caught in crossfire.
Just days ago, these two franchises were discussing peace.
Now there was gunpowder in the air.
How does a handshake become hostility so quickly?
What Is Burger Shot Really Selling?
After the incident, the whispers grew louder.
Burger Shot wasn’t just flipping patties.
They were dealing in something sweeter.
Something addictive.
Something far more dangerous than a combo meal.
I won’t publish speculation without proof.
But patterns are forming.
And they don’t taste like beef.
The Fox
A few days later, during a quiet shift where I was the only one working, a patron arrived.
Mysterious. Calm. Watching.
He was looking for my boss. Instead, he got me.
He told me he respected my manager. That he was doing this as a favor.
Then he showed me something.
An anonymous Birdy account accusing UwU Café of mistreating their cats.
A direct attack on the café’s heart.
He leaned in and said it plainly:
“It’s Burger Shot.”
I didn’t react. I asked for proof.
How did he know? Why was he so sure?
He claimed he overheard discussions during the opening night of Vanilla Unicorn.
Words were exchanged. Decisions were made.
And according to him…
Burger Shot wanted UwU buried.
The Headache
Soon after, I saw the owner of Burger Shot loitering outside our café more than once.
Watching. Waiting.
When he finally stepped inside, something strange happened.
A sharp headache struck me mid-conversation. I couldn’t focus on every word. It was like static filled the room.
And somehow, by the time it was over, he had convinced everyone he wasn’t behind the smear campaign.
Was it charisma?
Manipulation?
Or am I simply overthinking it?
The Comment Section
The Birdy posts gained traction.
Most of the comments?
Burger Shot employees.
A hit piece dressed up as public concern.
But without concrete evidence, our hands were tied.
The Rat
I didn’t tell anyone this.
But that night, in the quiet behind the kitchen, I heard my boss and manager whispering.
A name. They suspect someone among us is feeding information.
A rat.
And I know who they’re referring to.
I’ve seen the way he lingers.
The way he asks too many questions.
The way he watches when he thinks no one is looking.
Maybe I’ll follow him.
Not today. But soon.
They Didn’t Stop
The second post was more absurd than the first.
Almost laughable.
But in Los Santos, absurdity spreads faster than truth.
I’ve built some rapport with the people at Vanilla Unicorn. Light conversation. Careful questions.
Playful tone.
I asked who they thought could be behind the posts.
Many said the same thing:
Burger Shot’s owner had been asking around the city for people to share the accusations.
Interesting, isn’t it?
Peace talks to public assassination.
Gunfire to social media warfare.
This isn’t about pride.
This isn’t about burgers.
And it certainly isn’t about cats.
Something severed the alliance between two franchise giants.
And it wasn’t something small.
One day…
I think I’ll pay the owner of Burger Shot a visit myself.
Not as a barista.
Not as a journalist.
But as someone who enjoys asking difficult questions.
And watching people answer them.
“You know, honestly, all I want to do is kinda just… Go outside, and and in a maid uniform too you know.
Just being here all the time, I wish I could, extend our services.”
“They were at the club and they were, uhm, on the second floor, on the balcony, in the back, I believed it would have been the fifth booth.
And they were talking, about it and say they were gonna post it and retweet it. Umm two of their members are in disguise.”
The first social media slander…
Suspicious… Suspicious…..
The second social media slander!
